I grew up in Belfast, Northern Ireland in the late ‘60s and 1970s. Political conflict between Catholics and Protestants had brought violence to the streets. Bombs were a daily occurrence and the British army had been brought in, at first to help resolve the tension, only to become the target of the violence. Was it ever thus?
Bruce Logan, one of my best friends, was a Protestant. We would play soccer after school, but then the next morning would have to ignore each other as we passed at the bus stop. School uniforms labeled us—mine the green tie of Catholic St. Malachy’s, his the blue of the Boys Model. It was more than our lives were worth for our school friends to see us greet someone from another religion or school.
Religious intolerance and conflict is rife and still ever-present in the world. It is hard to understand the subtleties or to give religious ideals credence, as, once so noble, they give way to expressions of hatred. Growing up as I did, my inclination has often been to just dismiss all religion as hypocrisy and to position myself out of the way of such conflict. Relationships, more than religion, have proven to be the fertile ground for me to experience my fair share of conflict! As such, I have been drawn to examine the nature of conflict in general and more particularly how this relates to my own problems.
Since I left Ireland (in 1992), I have visited on numerous occasions. Although it is true to say that things are better in Northern Ireland, it seemed that the populace wanted change without really wanting to change. Resolution for its own sake was difficult—there had been a war, and many people wanted victory and to see the other side humiliated. There was/is hurt all round.
Bill Clinton brokered a peace deal in Northern Ireland in what is known as the 1998 Good Friday Agreement. Part of that agreement saw the freeing of political prisoners from both sides of the Catholic/Protestant divide. Seeing known mass murders walking freely on the street was a heavy price for peace and a bitter pill to swallow. Encouraging compromise and helping to get Northern Ireland's divided community to sit down together, with the common goal of consigning violence and inequality to the past, was all part of the ex-president’s goal. How difficult it was, and is, to let go of hundreds of years of violence, hatred and mistreatment on both sides. The letting go of these attachments was the way forward. As I have oft expressed, this US brokered vision was the type of philosophy they themselves needed to adopt once they too were placed in the centre of a terrorist attack.
But I do appreciate the philosophy and see in it a clear reflection of Buddhist ideals I try to remember (and fail), that I try to implement (and fail) and thus having failed, try to let go of much guilt for such!
It bothers me greatly that I have been in conflict with other human beings on this planet. That there are people with whom I am estranged, is something that leads to me constant self examination and humility. It is also almost too much for me to bear.
As has frequently been the case I turn to His Holiness the Dalai Lama. The following thoughts are from an article about Conflict Resolution:
Dalai Lama:
There are so many causes and conditions, which produces these conflicts and problems, within these causes and conditions, it also includes your behavior and actions. For instance, when any person becomes your enemy or undesirable object, one condition of this person becoming your enemy trace back to your way of dealing and relating with the person. If you relate to this person with doubt, suspicion and ill feelings motivated with different negative thoughts, slowly and gradually other person also started disliking you; result is that both ends up hurting each other and then eventually becomes an enemy.It seems pretty obvious! If we trace back the ways the different sides in Ireland have related to each other, the suspicions motivated with ill feeling and negative thoughts, it is clear to understand why there is such a divide and why both sides end up hating each other as enemies.
What interests me is how so many of the things done and said, in the name of their perspective causes, seemed to be motivated by reasoned arguments. Either Catholic or Protestant had/ have a perspective. Vehement arguments were made, opinions expressed, frustrations felt and misunderstandings were a plenty, all leading to arguments and thence to violence.
I too, in my ill fated relationships, have seen how easy it is to become attached to a perspective and to feel justified in stating it, or keeping to that way. Of course, as with my native land, such attachment hasn’t led to harmony or understanding.
His Holiness goes on:
Within these so many causes and conditions, your way of conducting yourself is also very much involved. But in our usual way of thinking, "we think that I have done my best to deal with this person but he behaved so badly with me, this person is so bad, I behaved sincerely, with pure motivation, but he or she gave me lots of trouble". Immediately there arise a thought of revenge in your mind. These are not dharma talks, just examine, how it came to happen. If you understand the reason, causes and conditions, time factors and so- forth, then we realize that there is no such concrete object to pinpoint as the main cause. If you think these general processes and research it, you cannot pinpoint a concrete object and consequently reduces your ill feeling.I know! It is often hard to understand the exact meaning in his English, but I have always found it worthwhile to persevere.
To my shame, I have used words similar to this only yesterday:
"we think that I have done my best to deal with this person but he behaved so badly with me, this person is so bad, I behaved sincerely, with pure motivation, but he or she gave me lots of trouble".Looking for the concrete object—the objective argument, the clincher—the winning line of thought doesn’t work. There isn’t one such and is more complicated than that anyhow. Nor does the search for it reduce our ill feeling. All too easily, and especially when there is no spirituality (or Dharma) in our hearts, we look for objective arguments to make, and have already lost more that we will ever gain!
The Dalai Lama says some interesting things about this:
For instance, how many wars were fought in the earlier part of the 20th century? When the wars were fought, they are fighting through targeting one concrete object as undesirable, but do not see that how many inter-connections are there.
In reality, the plan of using that much forces to destroy the opponents does not materialize since it is so much inter-related, it is therefore, earlier idea to use such forces and weapons to destroy the opponents does not eventually accomplishes. It is therefore, in the idea, one presumes there is only one concrete object, however, the reality is completely different. From the perspective of dharma, we say that it is hatred and attachment, and strong partiality of ourselves and others, by building these strong notion of self and others are based on ignorance or not knowing the reality. Ignorance of concrete grasping of self, which is diametrically opposed to the comprehension of selflessness, has caused all these problems. It is this last bit that has really struck me. In our human way we see issues and arguments, we look for an objective truth and yet it is all really a grasping of self which causes the problem, leads to ignorance and not knowing reality.
As far as some relationships and people are concerned, I wish I could have seen some of this before. It has taken me many times and so many broken hearts (including my own) to learn. I used to tell my mother some story or problem and she would say: Yeah, you’ve leant that lesson a few times now! I’m still learning and doubtless I will make the same mistakes again.
Emotions become high, feelings hurt, “supposed” viewpoints expressed and yet what was it all for? All so pointless! As His Holiness goes on to say:
Be open from the heart and outside, in this way we can solve the problems.and
We must solve the problem by making the matter clear through sincere motivation with honesty and justice; taking care of the interest and benefits of others and respecting them.
I, Kevin Mallon reaffirm my wish to live this way and to deal with people in an open and honest fashion.
This is what His Holiness says about trying to deal with conflict:
Secondly another main cause of conflict is not being justice and honest. For these things one must take counter measure. There is another technique to deal with such problems. If the conflict arises due to different interest and approach, in such cases, both are true from their side. For these problems, we must have to be open in our discussion and dialogue with honesty and sincerity. Neither to feel afraid of each other nor it is wise to talk differently and think differently. With honest motive, one should say that you have these benefits and I have this. Now we both should receive the benefits therefore, we should do in this way, there is nothing to hide each other, and there is no need to deceive each other. Be open from the heart and outside, in this way we can solve the problems. If, by being dishonest, we do not go to the right direction then problem will definitely arise and of course, it is your mistake since you are telling lies. If the problem arises due to telling lies then one must not tell lie and keep the right track of honesty. There is no other solution than this. We must solve the problem by making the matter clear through sincere motivation with honesty and justice; taking care of the interest and benefits of others and respecting them. I think that there is ways to think in this way.You can see the complete article at:
http://acharyanyima.com/translations/conflict_resolution-hhdl.html
